Entry #30

When Death Does Not Stalk

2016-11-16 09:48:05 by Krichotomy
Updated

"Sunglasses?! Really?! Take your job seriously!"

I am a creature of the dark. I need to protect my sensitive eyes.

"You don't have eyes!! And what is this you're calling yourself nowadays– the 'Grim Reaper'? What, are you going through middle schooler syndrome* or something?"

Hey, my people chose that name for me.

"They are your VIC-TIMS. STOP. SLACKING. OFF. I don't know how many times I've told you, Death. You know this well, I'm sure. The age of man is to steadily decline. When no man is over 62 years of age, their reign will come to an end, and the age of the beaver will begin."

I thought it was eggplants.

"Eggplants are plants, dumbass! Mankind has been on the rise, with their lifespan slowly returning to the triple digits. You're not doing your job."

I can't help it. Their medical technology is amazing!

"There is a reason you wield the scythe of ill fortune, which no device of mankind can hope to defy. What are you doing? Strangling them with your bare hands? Of course that wouldn't work. Where is your scythe now, anyway?"

...

"Don't tell me..."

I lost it.

"I would FIRE YOU if you weren't the ONLY ENTITY IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE that can fill this role. DO YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS?"

What's so bad about living longer? I mean, we're immortal, after all. And I don't understand why mankind has to be replaced with eggplants.

"Beavers. To be honest, I don't understand it either, but those were the commands given to us. As immortals, it is our responsibility to see it through. How in the seven dimensions did you lose your scythe anyway?"

Well, I was playing hide-and-seek, and there was this one nasty kid–

"You were playing with CHILDREN???!!!!!!!! Your name is DEATH. D. E. T– WHATEVER. You are the plauge of the earth, the scourge of mankind, and the final mercy who knows no mercy."

...now who's got middle schooler syndrome*?

"*sigh* Look– here. Your soup is ready. Drink it before it gets cold. I'm going to go sweep the leaves off the porch. In the mean time, I want you to think long and hard about your role here in the mortal realm."


(Along with the seasons, Death's personality would change. In Autumn (of the northern hemisphere), he would always grow soft and interact cordially with mortals. It is for this reason that we celebrate darkness and death around Halloween, rather than fearing them as we do for the rest of the year.)


* Middle schooler syndrome note:
Roughly translated as "Middle School 2nd Year Syndrome", the Japanese term "Chuunibyou" (中二病) refers to a phenomenon in which individuals (not necessarily from the implied age group) consider themselves to have special powers, leading to grandiose delusional behavior.


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