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There are times that I feel a lack of purpose and ability. Right now is one of those times. It's just another emotional storm to weather- it'll eventually pass.
What is my purpose here? I've always like math and science. I have obtained a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering and am now working on a PhD. But I find it all rather draining. I can hardly do my research anymore. Even just thinking about work gives me headaches.
My main passion is writing (and performing) music, but I get exhausted of that very quickly when trying to take it at a serious pace. I also like to write stories, but I only have lists of ideas and cannot turn them into actual stories. I like to draw, but even when drawing is going well I get frustrated.
There are many things that I can do better than most people, but nothing I can do as well as a professional. "Jack of all trades, master of none."
Today I feel like I am just existing. I feel like humanity is not benefiting from my existence. I am only stealing the coin and food that was properly earned by somebody else. I feel useless.
I keep thinking that I need to quit my fancy research-y stuff and just take a simple job - something that is not taxing on the mind - so I can do my part to help the great clock of the world turn, and so that I can feel purpose to my existence, however small it may be. But I cannot quit now, as I am a critical piece in some significant collaboration. The pressure on me is huge.
I have ideas for music and drawings and stories to represent how I feel tonight - I have loads of ideas... but I cannot bring a single one to be more than just an idea. This entire world of creativity- locked inside my mind. I hate feeling this way.
I'm listening to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjjNkFUT74k